Dan mailed me back! Yay
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Oleander- Boys Dont Cry
Well, obviously it took me awhile to send a reply e-mail.

Jessica.. I honestly believe that I was in fact, in love with you. I regret never showing it to you, I understand that I was very stand-offish and that I was kind of a prick most of the time.. but I had only had feelings for one person like that before, and you know how things ended between me and Shannon, and I really couldn't bare the thought of not talking to you for 6 months. When everything that happened with Jeremy... happened.. I was hurt. (It takes balls much bigger than a black mans to say this shit so listen up dammit) I was hurt and violently upset, even though I had no right to be. It was more of a personal prison than anything because I had Megan as a guest, and had no wish to upset her visit. If Megan hadn't been there I am fearful for what I may have done, because I have never been that infuriated for such a long amount of time in my life. I tried my hardest to work through it, but I couldn't. By the end of the summer we had gotten back together, and I was happier. I was happier, but I was still infuriated. When I came to college everyone seemed to fall in love with me, and they all wanted me to be happy. I wont lie and say that I wasn't attracted to a few of the girls out here.. but I broke up with you more because I cou ldn't be happy. I had worked so hard and obsessed for so long over getting you back to be happy again that without you I was utterly miserable. In many ways I still am. I really like Kate, but everyday I catch myself comparing something about her to something about you.. I really don't know what it is about you that I adore so much, but it is there. I really don't know how you're going to take this e-mail and that kind of frightens me.. I am still sorry for what I did Jessica, and I have no idea what to do with anything right now..

But know that I still care for you and think you are amazing.

-Dan

Email to Dan
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Third Eye Blind- God of Wine

My email to Dan

Hi,

Earlier tonight when we were talking on AIM you said you dont understand what I feel that I cant be honest with you, and that it sucks that Im so scared of what you'll think of me if I am.
Now Ive decided -fuck it- I might as well be honest with you because if Im not now, then by the time Im ready to be then it will be completely pointless. Although I feel that it already is. But whatever. Im scared because my honesty thing has to do with me being honest about my feelings/emotions and all that shit that generally scares the hell out of me. Even more so because they have to do with you because I cant come up with any logical answers as to why I have them. I always felt our relationship[s] were pretty normal but I also felt that there was something more there than just normalness. I just chose to ignore it.
Another reason is that Im scared that by telling you anything it will either make you hate me, or damage our friendship is some way- which is something that I value greatly and never would want to harm intentionally. But I also realize that I need to get all of this out of my head because Ill probably feel better in the end. And if our friendship is hurt, Ill be severly upset, but I guess everything happens for some sort of reason.
So anyways, moving on. I suppose Ill start here..

You meant the world to me, and now I feel as though your a world away. It feels to me that one day you were there and everything was great, and then you got abducted by aliens. [ Ever since then Ive had a huge hate for aliens, seriously, you should see the anti-alien posters I have ;) ]. But yeah, I guess because I have all thse thoughts tucked away in my head it seems like there is this gap thats growing between us. Im sure you probably dont feel this way, but I do and it sucks. Like I mentioned, I value the friendship that I have with you right now. A lot. I also valued our relationship[s] aswell though. I feel like I never showed it or let you know, once again because i was scared. I also, for some reason, always assumed that you knew exactly how I felt about you. But, now I realize that this was completely ridiculous of me to think because I never knew, and still dont know, how I feel about you. All I know is that I care about you a big, big, big amount. And well, that scares me too. Im not someone who cares about other people big, big, big amounts very often. It bothers me that, because Ive never really told you any of this, you might not realize it and I know that if anyone felt this way about me that I would want to know- even if it was someone I hated.

Ive never regretted anything Ive done in my life. Until now. The one thing that I regret, without a doubt, is everything that happend that relates to Jeremy in anyway. And its not because of all the mental anguish he's putting me through now. Its because I feel so shitty about it and the effects that it had on me and you. I know that the entire situation with him was incredibly selfish of me, and I just feel.. I dont know. Really bad. Really really bad. Because I knew that it was hurting you, and a part of me didnt care. And its because I was being selfish. Ive spent at least 5 minutes every day since the day that me and Jeremy broke up hoping that the next day I would realize that I had imagined it all. And that Id be able to take every day and night I spent with him, and give it to you instead. A part of me also knows that theres a chance that it wouldnt have made a difference in the end though.
Another thing I kind-of regret is not telling my mom to fuck off about 100 times more than I did. But I didnt, and well I dont know why.

I guess this is all I have to say. Im sorry for bothering you with all of this but I feel that if I know you know all of this, that Ill feel better about things.
Unless you have something you want to say, or questions to ask, dont worry about replying. In fact, to protect me from massive embarassment- just dont bring this email up ever. Unless its to tell me to fuck off and that you hate me. In which case would be extremely sad because I had to grow balls larger than a black mans in order to send this.
[ Obviously, since it took me like 2-3 days to send it. Apparently, balls are harder to grow than I thought. You guys make it look soooo easy :D.

The thought of pushing send makes me want to puke. Maybe Ill wait a few more days. Ek. I wish I had someone here to do it for me.



Wanna know something funny? I totally sent this to the wrong email address my first try. Someone guy is gonna get a nice present in his inbox. Whoops]